In 2023, I took an extremely bold and vulnerable step: I opened up about my husband Scott’s childhood trauma, and the profound impact it has had on him, his mental health, our marriage and family…and me personally. I was on a roll for awhile, but then Life Interrupted, and I got sidetracked. I lost my momentum, and things fell by the wayside. At one point I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to bother with blogging and telling our story and all of that, for various reasons.
But then something happened.
Scott bought some purple T-shirts.
I know that might sound weird, but let me give you the back story:
I’ve shared before that Scott left us twice…the first time for a year, and the 2nd time for 4.5 years. Both episodes were triggered by bouts of serious mental illness, which was triggered by his having recovered traumatic memories from childhood having to do with occult ritual type abuse at the hands of his family members.
You’ll have to dig through my archives to get the story on that, but fast forward to March 2016…Scott returned to us and has been in recovery ever since. We spent years getting his medication back on track while his brain healed…but we never really addressed the trauma issues. They were always lurking, however. Trauma has a way of haunting a person, demanding to be dealt with.
One of the ways that trauma haunted Scott was that he gradually withdrew more and more from his family of origin. He never would elaborate on exactly why, except to say that they were not “safe”, and that he didn’t feel safe around them. It was in the latter part of 2018, after finally getting on a good medication regimen, that he decided to completely sever ties from his family. He announced to me that he no longer wanted anything to do with any of them.
Something else happened in the latter part of 2018, that I didn’t notice until recently.
For the past several years, Scott’s wardrobe has consisted of a pair of jeans, and two colors of T-shirts: black and white. Thankfully he had several of these items in rotation…but it has been the same: jeans, and a black or white T-shirt.
It wasn’t always like that. When he came back home, one of the first things we did was get him some clothes. He had various kinds of shirts and pants. But somewhere along the line, he started narrowing down his wardrobe to a couple pair of jeans and a closet full black or white T-shirts.
Now, if you were to ask Scott why he chose this, he would say that it was as simple as him not having to think about what to wear. And, it’s not so unusual…Steve Jobs was famous for his black turtlenecks. People have their quirks and preferences. He also said it saved money. Since we have so many financial challenges, it was a cheaper route to go.
Makes sense.
But a few weeks ago, out of the blue, Scott announced to me that he wanted to get a purple T-shirt. Well, T-shirts aren’t easy to come by this time of year, so we ended up ordering on Amazon. We actually ended up with TWO purple T-shirts, since they came in a set.
This may not seem significant, but stay with me.
Therapy
We started therapy together in November, specifically to address the trauma issues. For all we’ve been through and dealt with and worked through with getting the meds right and all of that, we have never taken the time to sit down with a mental health professional, as a couple, and address this trauma that has been lurking.
We are very early in this process, and it remains to be seen how it’s going to go. However, we’ve had two sessions so far, and we’re scheduled for another one soon. I can already see a difference. Scott left it up to me to find the therapist, and after a year of praying and searching, I finally found who I thought would be a good fit for our situation. She ticked all the boxes I was looking for. We’re taking it one session at a time, and so far, Scott has agreed to go back. I think he feels comfortable with her, because already he has shared things with her that I didn’t even know. Heartbreaking things from his childhood, as well as insightful things that have helped me understand him even better. At our 2nd session, she called us “adorable”…so she might be a keeper. We shall see. But, just having someone to talk to and bring out all of these issues in the open with someone objective, is therapeutic in and of itself.
Convergence
The request for purple T-shirts showed up somewhere after we started these sessions. Our last session was Dec. 5, and the shirts were purchased on Dec. 12. So the request might have come either shortly before or after that 2nd session. To be honest, I don’t know, because I wasn’t paying attention. The significance of all of this didn’t hit me until later.
But I will tell you this: I was excited to see Scott in something other than a black or white T shirt! I was so excited, I shared it with some friends. “Scott bought a purple T-shirt and wore it and I didn’t recognize him!” I mentioned that “for whatever reason”, Scott had only been wearing black T-shirts for the past several years, so it was nice to see him in something different.
Then I thought, wait a minute. When exactly did Scott start wearing only black and white T-shirts?
Well, doing a little detective work, going back through my photos, I noticed something.
The black T-shirts became exclusive right around the same time he called “time of death” with his family.
Hmm.
These purple T-shirts didn’t make their appearance until after we started these therapy sessions.
Hmm.
And it’s not just the purple T-shirts. My mother has noticed a difference in Scott lately. Jasmyne who has been away at college and is now home, has also noticed a difference. “Scott seems to be feeling better these days.” I have to admit, he does seem to have perked up a bit. It could be any number of things, including the keyboard we recently got him so he could get back to his love of music…something else that has been repressed over the years.
It’s kind of like watching someone wake up from a deep slumber. Or, it’s like seeing a small glimmer of beauty poking out of the ashes. Ashes are black and white, right?
Or mabye I’m reading too much into things!
At any rate…
The adventure continues…!!!
The season and next chapter of healing is here. So excited what God is doing through your marriage. You both are an inspiration. Erin