Abundance in Days of Famine
I mentioned in my last post that financial challenges have been far more difficult for me to deal with than anything Scott ever put me through. It’s a ripple affect…Scott’s illness affects his ability to work. Which leaves me to be the primary breadwinner. Except, I have a child and a chronically ill husband to care for. I’m not going to get too much into my financial business, but I’ll just say it’s complicated. On paper, we are living in the red zone of the poverty line. Living in poverty is not easy, and once you’re there, it’s nearly impossible to get out. I don’t understand how anyone could ever call a poor person “lazy”. It takes more energy to be poor than it does to have all your needs met. Trust me.
Psalm 37
18 The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever;
19 they are not put to shame in evil times;
in the days of famine they have abundance.
What a paradox, to have abundance in days of famine. I understand exactly what that means.
Days of Famine
Famine is not just lack of food. It can be a lack of anything. Or not enough of it. Any kind of extreme deficiency of something can be considered a famine. Like, for example, money.
It comes down to ratio, not amount. Let’s say our monthly expenses total $1500. Every month, I know that I need at least $1500 to cover all our needs…food, clothing, shelter, transportation, utilities, internet, phones, etc. That’s the bare minimum…but it also includes toiletries, school supplies, etc.
But as a freelancer, or what they call a gig worker, my income changes every month. One month, let’s say January…I might earn $2000. On paper, that sounds great. I’d have a $500 surplus. Or do I? Because in February, I may only make $1000…so that $500 “extra” has to be applied to March. So I’m not really ahead. But then, say in April, I only earn $900. I’m already behind for that month, and I’m going into May in a deficit. Somehow, that $900 has to cover the same $1500 expenses for May. So, let’s see…I can let the light bill go this month. I’ll get a late fee, sure, but they won’t cut it off yet. I’ll set that aside and get food instead. Jasmyne needs a book for school, so maybe I’ll let the water bill go this month. They won’t cut that off right away either. Let’s say in June, I get $2000 again. Ok, I have enough to cover that month, but wait a minute…now I have to catch up the utilities from last month, and I have to pay the late fee on the cable because I didn’t get paid in time and had to pay them after the due date. And I had to get the oil changed this month. July and August…those are my lean months, so unless God does some miracles, we’re in big trouble.
Does reading that exhaust you? Welcome to my life! The plus side to all of it is that the freelancer’s schedule gives me tons of flexibility, which I have needed as a mom and a caregiver.
Abundance
And yet…
I don’t have a car payment, but I drive a nice car. I don’t pay for 2 out of 3 phones, and someone in our household has an iPhone. We’re so poor we’ve qualified for certain benefits with a minor child in the home (or we used to, since she’s 18 now). For years, her medical was covered and as her guardians, ours was to. So, Scott’s medication that costs well over $30,000 a year? (For just ONE!!) Covered. All of the appointments to manage that medication? Covered. All those screenings and appointments and medications for me? Covered. Jasmyne’s braces that she had for 3 years (thanks COVID) and had to have 8 teeth pulled plus a root canal because her teeth moved and killed a root? Our poor people insurance deemed braces “medically necessary” for her, and so…100% covered. (Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t discourage for sucking her thumb for #% years.) Her getting evaluated for ADHD? Covered. The emergency appendectomy she had? Covered.
That master’s degree I got while Scott was gone? Including the trip to Italy? Covered. Christmas time and tax refund time? By then I’m in a groove gig wise, so we actually have a surplus. That’s the time to make the big purchases and splurge…new strings, new bow, the video game Jasmyne wanted, the practice pad set Scott had his eye on for 9 months just waiting for tax refund time...we have to have SOME kind of fun some time, right?
The rent during the lean summer months where there was no way I was going to be able to cover it? Paid for. The trips to Florida to see about Scott and bring him home when we finally reconnected after 4.5 years? Covered. Everything he needed to make that transition? Covered.
I could go on and on and on.
This is what I call having abundance in “days of famine”. It’s ironic that I could put my last $5 into the gas tank of a nearly brand-new car that I’m not paying for.
If that’s not a God thing, I don’t know what is. It still blows me away.
Stewardship
We’ve maintained our integrity in all of our financial dealings to the best of our ability, given our situation.
I’m the manager of mine and Scott’s joint account. I’ve only gone into the red twice, and both times the bank waived the overdraft fees because of my stellar record of never overdrawing more than once in a 24 month period. I never use rent money to get my hair done or buy new clothes. We don’t go to movies. We’ve managed to give to our church. I’m savvy when it comes to stretching dollars. I’m queen of the clearance racks!
We deal with finances peacefully in our home, in spite of not exactly having “financial peace”. There simply isn’t enough money to fight over!
Guilt
I’ve wrestled with being in this position. What could we have done differently? For a season, Scott received disability. The government decided he was “no longer disabled” after one of his annual evaluations. We could have appealed it, but for a number or reasons, we let it go.
It doesn’t mean that Scott isn’t disabled. He’s one of the many people with severe mental illness that cannot sustain employment. It wasn’t always like that for him. But over time, it became increasingly more difficult for Scott to work.
I’ve always wondered, “am I doing enough? Maybe I should get a full-time job. Maybe I should build up my private student clientele.” It’s not like I haven’t tried…do you know how many different teaching jobs with different schools and studios and churches I’ve had in the past decade? But…prime teaching time is 3-7 or 8. What would I do with my own child when I’d be teaching other people’s children? She’d never see me.
I’m constantly plagued with financial guilt.
Maybe I shouldn’t have bought the $1 earrings, or the cute shoes I saw on sale for $5. Maybe Scott and I shouldn’t have spent that money on IHOP, even though it was less than $20. Maybe we shouldn’t have Starbucks every once in a while. I probably shouldn’t have spent $15 on that doll that Jasmyne really wanted.
Ugh.
I have a master’s degree. I should be doing better, I tell myself. I’m smart, I’m creative, I’m definitely not lazy…but I’m also a caregiver and a hands-on mother. Jasmyne never went to daycare (I couldn’t afford it anyway). I’ve paid the price (literally) to be more present in my home. But I’ve reaped a harvest that money can’t buy, through the time I’ve poured into being there for my family. We wouldn’t be as stable as we are now if I was gone most of the day 5 days a week. What would I do anyway? Maybe teach orchestra at a school somewhere? Scott’s medications alone would cost more than I could make in a year.
I’m not going to lie, it’s been hard. Exhausting. Depressing.
Gratitude
But, the abundance…sometimes it’s so easy to miss the blessings when we’re focused on what we don’t have.
The friends who paid for meals. The friends who sent me checks out of the blue. The church who met practical needs, like buying a battery for my car, and even helping us move. My family who has stood by us and helped fill in many gaps in those lean months, with no judgment. Just unconditional love and understanding.
The stand partner I had in one of the orchestras I played in, who worked at Dollywood and gifted Jasmyne and I with free season passes.
The coaches and teachers that worked with me to let Jasmyne participate in activities by giving us a discount or even “letting her slide”.
The countless opportunities that have been given to us, especially to Jasmyne, that we never could have afforded. Like college.
The fact that we have people in our lives who care about us and understand our situation enough to pour into our lives and literally be God’s hand of provision is truly a miracle.
My mother who has opened her home to us on more than one occasion, and given us a place of rest and refuge in times of crisis.
This has been, by far, one of the greatest challenges of life in the shadow of mental illness. But the overwhelming generosity we have experienced has literally brought me to my knees. More than the actual needs! God’s grace has undoubtedly been the abundance in the midst of our famine.
Psalm 37:25 I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
There you have it. God must think I’m pretty righteous, because He certainly has not forsaken us!