WHY am I sharing weird (supposed) satanic ritual abuse stories told by someone with significant mental health challenges?
Setting the record straight...PLEASE READ
*[This is one of the longest posts I’ve written. But it’s also one of the most heartfelt. I hope you will take the time to read this and hear my heart in all that I’m about to share]*
I got an email after this recent post about Surviving Storms, from someone who said this:
“More of these kinds of posts, less posts about (supposed) satanic ritual abuse stories from someone in a manic state.
Again, be careful not to sensationalize your posts.”
Hmm…
This is what I wrote back:
“Thanks for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed this most recent post.
With all due respect, I've been writing about the impact of mental illness on my marriage and family since 2015, nearly 100 posts. In all that time, only a handful of them explicitly mention SRA, the majority of those posts are behind a paywall, and I've only started writing about SRA's role in our story within the past month, after much prayer, discussion, and support from my husband. I've made very clear that my goal was to share God's faithfulness in the midst of some extremely difficult and confusing circumstances. So, I'm not quite sure what you mean by "less posts" about SRA, and to "be careful not to sensationalize" my posts. Especially if you haven't actually read them. The only thing sensational is that God is faithful, and He leads and guides into ALL truth. My prayer is that our lives, or story, and our experiences will reflect that, even the bits about (alleged) SRA.
The SRA posts are restricted, so you can choose whether or not you would like access to them. If my content doesn't interest you, and you no longer wish to receive my posts, you are also welcome to unsubscribe at any time. My feelings won't be hurt!”
Then after this post, that person unsubscribed.
Which is fine, subscribers have come and gone the entire time I’ve been writing. It’s usually a favor for the writer, because writers don’t want readers that don’t want to read what they’re writing. My feelings weren’t hurt.
(It’s not like I have a ton of readers anyway. I’ve never had a large subscriber base.)
I got another comment on social media from someone else that said this:
Speaking as a mental health professional, my bet is your husband during his “unmedicated mania” experienced extreme delusions which are now persisting and you are feeding. “When you hear hooves, don’t think zebras”.
What I wanted to say was, “My bet is that you haven’t read a word I’ve written!” But I refrained. (I had to google the hooves and zebra reference!)
I don’t have a problem with people making comments and having opinions about what I’m writing. What I DO have a problem with, is people passing judgement on something I’ve written without actually reading what I wrote.
Neither of these commenters have read my “SRA posts”. I know this because of the analytics.
Clarification
Maybe I haven’t been completely clear on why I’m writing about all of this. It took me many years of writing to even bring up any references to satanic stuff. Only recently have I gained more clarity on the direction that I believe my writing needs to take. Let me see if I can communicate more clearly what I hope to accomplish, for anyone else that might feel the same way as the commenters.
Bottom Line
As you already know, I married a man with a diagnosed mental illness, and in 2005 he began having flashbacks to some horrific, bizarre, childhood trauma experiences that involved strange, occult-themed rituals and abuse at the hands of his own family members. It so happened that these flashbacks surfaced during a manic episode when he had been off medication.
I got along with my in-laws and had what I would say was a pretty good relationship with them. And yet, I always had a sense that I needed to keep the peace and be agreeable with them so as not to rock the boat. I never had any issues with them, aside from finding them eccentric. They weren’t mean to me or anything. Something was a little off that I couldn’t put my finger on though. Maybe some undiagnosed mental illness? Whatever their dysfunction was, I personally found them to be harmless; I trusted my child with them, and I felt accepted by them.
But when Scott basically said “I’m messed up because my parents tried to dedicate me to satan”, it was an epiphany. “Oooohhh!! Well, that makes sense!” It’s kinda sad that I would think that, given everything I just said about my in-laws, but that was the first thing that crossed my mind.
Here’s the thing. At the time, I had never heard of satanic ritual abuse. I was a kid growing up in the 80s, but the “satanic panic” was not on my radar. Why would it be?? I didn’t know anything about that until I started digging into things Scott was telling me. I had no clue about the controversy or conspiracy. Even in all of his parents’ drivel about the New World Order and the Illuminati and secret symbols and clandestine owl worship, they never mentioned anything, at least in MY presence, that resembled satanic rituals.
In other words, I had no point of reference.
Downward Spiral
Scott’s mental health took a nose dive not long after that confession. I conceded that perhaps he really was just delusional. Maybe in all his parents’ strange beliefs, he heard them talking about satanic panic type stuff, and in his manic mind, thought maybe they did it to him. That’s eventually how I took it.
A couple of months later, after getting back into treatment and no longer manic, he refused to allow me to take Jasmyne to his parents’ home for them to babysit. He was adamant that she was never to be left alone with them ever again. Why? Because he was having images flooding his mind of being molested and violated by his own parents. No mania this time. He was dead serious. This man was trying to protect his child from his parents he was certain were pedophiles.
Of course I thought he had totally gone off the deep end!! First they were witches, and then they were pedophiles? He had surely lost his mind. I honored his wish to keep Jasmyne away from his parents, but I was deeply concerned about his mental state.
Then a 3rd incident happened that caused him to once again bring up the whole idea of his innocence having been shattered by a childhood that he was realizing for the first time was a lie.
Third time is a charm. This time, I didn’t dismiss him as just being delusional.
I can only say that I believe the Holy Spirit gave me a nudge to listen to him. I actually started to look into the things he was telling me, and slowly came to the realization that maybe there was more to this than “just” mental illness.
Maybe the hooves really were zebras.
This was in 2005, and it started us on an epic journey that continues to this day. The next several years were chaos. I’ve shared about that, sans SRA references, over the life of this blog.
My goal was (and still is) to communicate the amazing faithfulness of God in the midst. He provided for me and Jasmyne and kept Scott safe out there in the streets all those years. God has been faithful to bring us all back together again, and we’ve grown stronger. We made it through the storms. Now, He is walking us through another stage of healing trauma.
I am not out to sensationalize anything, or get bogged down in conspiracy theories, (his parents’ fascination with them aside).
In a nutshell, Scott appears to have experienced childhood trauma so severe, he forgot about it, struggled with mental health issues his whole life, and then nearly lost his mind completely once he started remembering it. All of that has had a profound impact on me as his wife, my faith, our marriage, and family.
The journey is far from over. Scott has fought a valiant battle to gain control of his mental health. Especially since he told me these memories. It hasn’t been easy, but he has persevered and it has paid off.
My Side of the Story
As a spouse, I was put in a horrible position. I’ve had to face the frightening prospect that
Either my husband’s illness is more severe than we thought (actually, his diagnosis did change) so much so, he’s come under delusional thinking about his past. Or…
My in laws are horrific, scary, evil people. People I’ve left my child alone with. People Scott refused to allow his daughter near. People by whom a sibling allegedly was abused in the same way. Or…
Maybe a little bit of both?
That has not a pleasant position for me to be in at all.
But God!
What I’ve done all these years, is endeavor to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading. This is where faith and my personal relationship with Jesus Christ comes in. There is absolutely no way that we can be where we are today, given all that we’ve been through, without the grace and mercy of God. I believe God has led me to not be quick to dismiss Scott’s claims. The reasons why have yet to be fully revealed and understood.
Invitation
One of the ways I believe the Lord has led me has been to invite others on the journey with me. For years I’ve been writing about the realities of being married to someone dealing with mental illness and trauma, and God’s faithfulness in it all. Because I’m certainly not alone in this situation.
But from now on, my writing will include talking about SRA and other kinds of uncomfortable, weird, confusing and disturbing things (as if mental illness isn’t an unpleasant enough subject!), simply because it’s part of our story. God is not the author of confusion. Time and time again, we have seen Him bring order into chaos.
God has been, and continues to be, so very good to us. THAT is the real story. It just so happens that mental illness and satanic abuse are the conduits through which He has chosen to use to demonstrate His amazing goodness through our lives. I hope I’ve communicated that over the years, and that it will become even more evident going forward.
I believe God wants to be good to others as well, whatever their journey. Maybe seeing our crazy story will encourage someone in their crazy story, help them not feel so alone, and offer hope that God will be good to them too.
I don’t know where our journey will lead, but you’re invited to join me to find out. I value each and every person who bothers to click on an email and read my vulnerable words about deeply personal and even weird things. But, if this isn’t your thing, I understand that too. You can unsubscribe and never hear from me again (at least until I write my best selling memoir!).
But if you stick around, THANK YOU!
Anyway, I needed to get that out. At this time, my plan is to release at least 2 posts each week. One post will be for everyone. The other post will continue the SRA saga, and will be restricted to paid subscribers only. I’ve made a free trial available this month if you would like to take a peek at the story so far.
If you got this far, thank you for reading!
The adventure continues…
She is just such a precious gift. As I grow older, watching her walk in faith - man! I say it all the time, "I want to be just like her when I grow up!" lol You keep on doing just what you're doing. God is using you in ways you may not see but HE is. I am so happy to count you as my friend. Your testimony too is a blessing! Love you bunches - and.. Thanks!
My friend! But God is so right!?! Be encouraged. The bible tells us that we will most certainly face critics (as far worse) but we currently live in a time when spiritual warfare is an uncomfortable topic. Everyone loves the whole blessings aspect of a christian faith but not so much on the attacks that will come in any walk of faith. You have been given quite a task to carry and what journey it is. As an old friend - I have been blessed to watch you walk this life out in faith to your heavenly Father and to your family. What you are sharing may be uncomfortable but is very real - both RSA and mental illness. This is YOUR story and no one has the right to tell you any different. You and your your family remain in my prayers and I have no doubt that your testimony will be a blessings to others and may help someone else. Stay the course... and we love you!