When Surviving the Storm is Enough...For Now
I don’t know about you, but around my birthday, I get introspective. I’ve always been a deep thinker, (INFP, 100%) so I’m always introspective. But my birthday magnifies my existential ponderings.
Especially as the numbers of my age slowly increase. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to see those numbers increase! Better for them to increase than for the count to stop altogether, know what I mean?
But still, I can’t help but stop and take stock of what life has been to this point.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say life began for me when I got married. I got married at 28, but I lived a full and rich life before that.
However, like most people, marriage marked a huge turning point in my life. More than a whole new chapter. A whole new book!
Don’t misconstrue what I’m about to say. I love my husband and family. I have no regrets. I’ve been here for the long haul, and I will continue to be here for the long haul.
But I’m not going to lie. Marriage has been hard.
Far harder than I ever anticipated it to be.
I’ve often thought of the parable of the two houses: the one built on sand, and the one built on the rock. The storms came for both houses.
Matthew 7:24-27
24 "Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.
25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.
26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.
27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it."
One thing I can say for sure, is that Scott and I built our house upon the Rock of Christ. We came into our marriage, fully committed to God, and fully committed to one another.
Scott and I met in a musical missions group. Our relationship came together while we were on an outreach to Africa and Lebanon. One night, we were in Mombasa, Kenya. Scott and I found ourselves out on the patio of the hotel the team was staying in, right on the beach. I know it sounds romantic, and maybe it would have been under different circumstances. But remember, we were with a Christian ministry team, so while we were alone, we weren’t really alone, know what I mean? Plus, we weren’t allowed to date while on mission, so…there’s that.
Anyway, Scott and I were talking about our budding relationship, and we were facing each other. He said this to me:
“Here’s you, and here’s me. In order for us to get to each other, we have to keep God between us. We have to go through Him. He can’t be behind us, above us, or anywhere except between us. That’s the only way our relationship will work, is if we go through Him to get to each other.”
Oh, how NOT wrong he was!!!
The fact that we made that commitment to Him both individually and as a couple, before we got married, is what I believe has kept us standing when the storms of life came.
And, come they did.
As I was reflecting on the fact that both of us have turned 52, (Scott’s birthday is 29 days before mine!) I started thinking about our almost 24 years of marriage.
I started thinking about those 24 years of marriage, in the context of where we are today.
And where are we today?
Well…
We don’t have anything near what so many of our peers have at this stage in life. No job security, no assets, no savings, no retirement plans, nothing. We started out in much better financial and material shape than we are now. And yet, we’ve barely been able to sustain ourselves over the years, thanks to serious mental health challenges. Talk about Life Interrupted. I suppose you could say that we have been ravaged by a series of storms. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on us. Again, and again, and again. It’s not lost on me that the words “floods” and “winds” are plural. That could imply more than one storm, right?
It seemed as if we were caught in a never ending cycle of decompensation and relapse. Sometimes it came about through making unwise choices, such as stopping medication. But most of the time, it came about through no fault of our own, except perhaps ignorance and lack of adequate information, medication, and access to care.
Regardless of the reason, it was definitely a roller coaster, for years. Even during the times when Scott wasn’t with us. While perhaps he took the acute stress and chaos of episodes with him, Jasmyne and I still lived with the dysregulation his absence and the uncertainty of our future…and his...brought into our lives. I still lived as if one of my legs was chopped off…limping along. Sure, I was getting around. But it wasn’t easy.
It occurred to me recently, that we’ve spent a great deal of our marriage either in crisis, in recovery, or managing some kind of stress. Which, I suppose isn’t all that atypical. I mean, who doesn’t live with chronic stress of some kind? Life is stressful.
Scott returned to us in 2016. It took some time for us to find our equillibrium. As a family, with medications, and even in our marriage. In March 2022, we had some disruption again, but that time, we knew what to do and we were able to come through it with very few scars.
To be honest, it wasn’t until last year when we relocated, and we were able to send our only child off to college, that life finally calmed down.
We moved in with my mother. We became empty nesters. I no longer had the pressure of being the sole provider for our necessities such as rent and utilities. Scott was in a good place…still struggling with some symptoms, but under control and well managed.
I could, at long last, exhale.
Now that life around me has quieted down, I’ve been able to get quiet on the inside. I’ve been able to look around my life, and take stock.
On the one hand, it makes me kind of sad, that here we are in our 50s, and we don’t seem to have much to show for our lives.
But then I think, wait a minute!
Our marriage is still standing. Our family is intact. My husband is stable. I’m at peace. I’m making precious memories with my mom, and I’m in a position of being able to earn money as well as be a caregiver for both my mother and my husband, with minimal stress. My daughter is finding her way in the world. Our faith, while it might look a little different now, is still intact.
We survived the storms! We came through them, and lived to tell the tale.
Sure, there has been some damage.
Maybe we don’t own our own home, or have a retirement savings, or have much in the way of material things. Maybe we have no clue what the future holds.
Maybe we’re still trying to figure out this whole satanic ritual abuse thing.
We’ve stumbled, but we’ve not been utterly cast down.
We’ve survived the storm(s). We can see the rainbow.
And for now, perhaps that is enough!
Are you in a storm right now? How secure is your foundation? It’s never too late to exchange a foundation of sand for a foundation of Rock!