I Struggle With My Marriage
Being married to someone with a serious mental illness is hard. It’s more than hard. According to the statistics, it’s nearly impossible. I can’t even begin to describe how painful and scary it is to see someone you love not in their right mind. Losing touch with reality. Turning into someone you don’t know. Reduced to a mere fraction of who you know they truly are. Trapped in a manic episode. Shoot, it’s hard to even get mad at them, because they can’t help it. They didn’t ask to be ill any more than I asked to be married to someone so ill.
At first, Scott was actually diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 16, in 1987. But a few months later, it was changed to Bipolar 1. Only last year, 2022, was his diagnosis changed to schizoaffective disorder. It’s a relatively rare diagnosis which combines symptoms from both illnesses…which may explain the confusion over the years.
It’s hard on the relationship. It’s hard on our finances. It’s hard to get good care. It’s hard to obtain the right medication to quiet the voices and calm the mood. It’s hard on Scott. The illness interferes with him being the person he wants to be. It has interrupted his life way too many times. That’s hard to watch too. It’s hard on our family and friends, who have often come to our rescue during tough times. It’s hard on other people, who don’t understand mental illness, or question why in the world would I even bother to hang around. It’s hard for our daughter, who has her own mental health challenges possibly as the result of genetics.
It’s hard on me. Sometimes, I’ve asked myself why I bother to hang around!
And yet…
But you know what?
At the end of the day, I could not be more proud to be married to Scott Simpkins.
This is a man who fights for his life every single day. He doesn’t work. Maybe to some, it looks like he doesn’t really do much of anything. But they don’t know how much strength and courage it takes for him to merely exist. And he does it. Every single day, he exists, even when he doesn’t want to.
This is a man who has never said a negative word to or about his daughter, even when he was sick. In God’s mercy, He spared her from experiencing the worst of the illness. At Scott’s sickest, in his heart he knew it would be better for us if he was away from us to wrestle with his demons.
This is a man who adores (and is adored by) his wife and child for existing with him.
This is a man who, when realizing that his family of origin was contributing to so many of his issues, took the bold step of distancing himself from them, literally for his own sanity.
This is a man who loves the Lord with all his heart. He has character and integrity, he cares about things. He wants to make a difference in the world, in a positive way. He loves his family. He has manners. He doesn’t ask for much. Maybe he can’t give as much as he would like, but he gives me support in anything I do (even writing about how hard it is to be married to him!) He understands me and puts up with my own quirks. He’s never demanding, or overbearing, or abusive, or selfish.
This is a man with whom I am the best of friends. I just like to hang out with him. We get along better than most couples who deal with less.
This is a man who I believe God sent to me for a reason…perhaps a reason that has yet to be fully revealed.
A Divine Promise
One night while we were in Lebanon with the missions group we met through, newly engaged, I had an experience I shall never forget. A deep, dark presence entered the room I was in. Whatever it was, it was evil. It whispered threats into my ears about what would happen if I married this man. In fact, it seemed threatened by the fact that I was marrying Scott. I felt like it was trying to pull me into that dark abyss it dwelled in. I’ve never experienced anything like it before or since. I know it sounds way out there, but this is the 100% truth.
At first, I was terrified, quite frankly. But then, I got angry. Who does this thing think it is, to invade MY space and mess with ME?! I got my flashlight, I got my Bible, and I opened it up to Psalm 91. I started reading it under my breath so as not to wake the other 2 girls I was rooming with, who were completely oblivious to what I was experiencing.
When I got to the last three verses, I came the closest I’ve ever come to hearing the audible voice of God.
14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
When I read that part, the evil left.
That’s when I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be…on the threshold of a future life with this man.
But I had no idea how hard it would be.
On the nights I wrestled with wondering if Scott would or could ever get well, I would hear “I will deliver him”. He even says it twice in the passage. Whenever God says something twice, you know He means it. Especially since He’s God, He only has to say it once for it to be!
When Scott was out on the streets, lower than either of us could have ever imagined, I heard “I will set him on high. I will honor him.”
When his illness seemingly took him as far away from God as he was from us, I heard “he has set his love on me. He knows my name.”
When I worried about Scott’s safety, not knowing where he was, I heard “I will be with him in trouble.”
The first time he left, I made sure he had his ID on him because, God forbid, something were to happen to him and he needed to be identified. I literally didn’t know if he was dead or alive. But, I knew he was alive, because I heard “with long life I will satisfy him, and show him my salvation.”
I can tell you for a fact that those 3 verses have kept me going more than anything else. Countless times, I’ve meditated on those verses and prayed them over Scott. I still do. These are promises God made to me personally about my husband. I cherish every word.
Yes, it’s hard to be married to a man with a serious mental illness. According to statistics, it’s nearly impossible.
But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26
The adventure continues…!!