Trauma, Mental Illness, and Family Secrets
I’ve learned a great deal over the course of my marriage to Scott. I am by no means a mental health professional, a trauma specialist, doctor, or psychologist. I am just a wife trying to understand her husband, who I love very much and want to see thrive to his fullest in this life. In doing so, I’ve gone on quite a journey into the human mind and how our experiences shape our existence in the world and our interpretation of those experiences. Especially as pertains to my husband which, in turn, affects me and our daughter.
Trauma 101
A basic, broad definition of trauma is “a deeply distressing, or disturbing experience.” This can come in many forms: accident, natural disaster, and various kinds of abuse at the hands of another person or persons. Psychological trauma is damage to the mind by a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. While trauma can happen to anyone at any age, trauma that happens in childhood is probably by far the most damaging kind of trauma of all, especially if that child has never learned how to articulate the trauma, has repressed it, or has developed negative coping strategies. In short, there are as many different types of trauma as there are people on the planet. But the gist of it is this; when something really, really bad happens to you that is far beyond your ability and capacity to cope. It is compounded when it occurs in childhood.
There are countless studies and theories about the effects of trauma on mental health. Does trauma cause mental illness? Does it exacerbate mental illness that is already present? Is it a root of addiction? Our society has only recently begun to understand trauma a little more, and much of our mental health care and addiction therapies now incorporate what is called a “trauma informed approach to care”. We now know that adults who experienced trauma as children are more likely to have serious addiction and mental health issues.
One controversial area of trauma study is the area of repressed trauma, or repressed memories. Is it possible for a child to experience trauma so horrific, that they suppress the memory of that trauma for years? Is it possible for an adult to recover long-buried memories of abuse that happened to them as children? Especially if they were pre-verbal when the abuse happened? How reliable are those memories? Should they be taken seriously? What if they can’t be verified? What if they are verified by another family member, but can’t be proven?
These are just a few of many questions I’ve been faced with in trying to navigate my husband’s story.
Add into that equation the diagnosis of a mental illness that includes psychotic features and delusions, you potentially have a recipe for disaster, because then the entire interpretation of reality is suspect. It’s like, not knowing which end is up.
Questions With No Answers
Do you remember the movie, A Beautiful Mind? There were some people that the main character, John Nash, would talk about in great detail…a college roommate, a young girl, and another shady character portrayed by Ed Harris. Spoiler alert: these people were not real. It turns out they were part of his delusional thinking as a result of his schizophrenia. His wife was devastated when she discovered that many of the things he was talking about were not even real. He was not lying, he wasn’t a con artist. He was, sadly, very ill.
In contrast, Martha Mitchell, wife of John Mitchell of Nixon Era/Watergate fame, was well known for her outspoken personality, insomuch that her nickname became “the Mouth of the South”. She was famous for publicly alleging misconduct in the Nixon Administration, who in turn portrayed her as unstable, mentally ill, and unreliable. She was discredited, maligned, and made to look like she was delusional. In the end, it turned out that Martha was, in fact, speaking the truth about the corruption of the Nixon White House. According to The Encyclopedia of Arkansas, “The psychological term “the Martha Mitchell effect” arose as a result of Mitchell’s experiences with mental health professionals who originally believed her to be delusional when she discussed matters related to the Watergate scandal—matters that turned out to be true.
In one case, you have someone whose mental illness leads them and others to believe things that are not true, but then in the other case, you have a person who is saying true (and unpleasant) things about our government, accused of being mentally ill.
The first time Scott left, he ended up hospitalized in a city where his medical history was not known. They had no background on him, so they did not know his previous diagnosis of Bipolar I. However, he clearly needed to be there, and he was able to receive treatment. When I located him, I spoke to a social worker about him. She said to me “I’m just so glad you are real! He kept talking about this wife and daughter, and we weren’t sure if he was delusional or if you really existed.” She, along with others working with him, was relieved to discover that he did indeed have a family.
My point here is that sometimes with a serious mental illness, the lines between reality and psychosis can be blurred. For a loved one especially, it can be confusing trying to make sense of what doesn’t make sense.
This was the awkward position I found myself in when, several months prior to Scott’s leaving, he revealed a traumatic family secret that led to over a decade of chaos and disorder in our home and lives, because of how it affected him directly. In the midst of so many questions that seemed to have no answers, there were times when I questioned my own sense of reality, let alone my husband’s. Did he “really” reveal a horrible family secret? Or was his mind simply playing tricks on him, and causing him to believe things about his family that were not true?
In my search for answers, I prayed. A lot. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I cried out to the Lord, sometimes in agony, wondering what was wrong with my husband? What is wrong with his family? What is the truth here?
In the midst of all this literal craziness, I can say beyond a doubt that God was faithful to meet me, and to lead and guide our steps!
To be continued…