On Being "Trauma Adjacent"
Two things that have helped me being in relationship with someone who has been traumatized
Now that I’ve openly shared details of the childhood trauma Scott revealed many years ago, I feel like I am being much more authentic in sharing my life and what it has been like to be his wife.
On the surface, it would seem like my story is about being married to someone with serious mental illness, but I’m not sure it’s all about that. Even though it might veer off into the bizarre territory of satanic ritual abuse and conspiracy theories, and the question of whether it really happened to Scott or is some kind of psychotic delusion, it’s not about that either.
Ultimately, I think that the story I’m trying to tell is what it’s like to be “trauma adjacent”. I don’t know if that’s a real term, but I just now made it up.
The word “adjacent” means to be next to, or near by.
When I married Scott, I found myself in the position of being “trauma adjacent”, or next to/near by someone who has been traumatized. Which, in certain ways, has been traumatizing for me, our marriage, and our family.
Because whether or not he’s way more seriously ill than we thought, OR his parents abused him as part of some kind of nefarious secret satanic cult, (or both!) Scott has been a victim of trauma, and I married him and his trauma. The bible says that a husband and wife become “one flesh”. So in a sense, you could say that I became one with trauma.
I’ve been making my way slowly through a wonderful book, called The Body Keeps the Score. It’s a well known and respected book, by a mental health professional who is an expert with working with various kinds of trauma. I’ve learned a lot about how the body keeps a record of trauma, even when the brain doesn’t remember it, or disassociates from it.
It makes me theorize…if the body keeps the score, it would seem to me that somehow, the mind would too.
If trauma happens early in childhood, before one is preverbal and has the words to describe the trauma, how is it expressed? Somehow, a child develops coping strategies that help them survive. They can carry into adulthood in one form or another. Addiction is a prime example of how trauma can manifest in an adult.
A dear friend of mine once observed of Scott, “he had to go crazy in order to stay sane.”
I wonder if she hit the nail on the head there. In order for Scott to cope with this trauma that perhaps his mind couldn’t articulate because it happened to a little boy with no words, maybe he had to escape reality. Maybe what I have perceived as him being out of touch with reality during certain episodes, is his brain’s way of processing these long buried events that his brain won’t let him forget.
Honestly, I don’t know.
But I will tell you two things that I’ve learned over the years, that have helped me to cope, to understand what I’m experiencing in his behaviors and thoughts, and to respond more with empathy and compassion, instead of being reactive.
1. Becoming more trauma aware and trauma informed.
I’m not a healthcare professional by any means. When Scott and I got married, I didn’t have an understanding of the word “trauma”, what it meant, how it expressed itself, and how to respond to it in myself and in others. Thankfully in the past 24 years since Scott and I were married, there is a wealth of information and knowledge about how trauma affects the entire being. I’ve learned to recognize his triggers, and be sensitive to them instead of getting frustrated or angry.
It used to really irk me. I would think, “it’s not that big a deal.” I would get irritated, which didn’t help him at all. Nine times out of 10, the situation would resolve itself and be over. But that’s not the end of it for Scott. It takes him a long time to come out of that state of panic.
To this day, I have no idea why he responds to particular circumstances in particular ways. He doesn’t know why either. Perhaps one day, he’ll figure out the reasons with a therapist. But, for now, I’ve learned to recognize it for what it is: a trauma response. Now, since I know he’s triggered, I remain calm. I speak in a lower tone. I don’t try to minimize his feelings, but I listen and try to provide assurance and assistance. He’s already upset, it doesn’t help for me to get upset too. I ask him how I can help. We ride the wave until it settles down.
It’s a process. But things have gotten better.
2. My faith and personal relationship with the Lord
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate the priceless value of 3 little words:
I don’t know.
We humans don’t like to not know. We have a quest for knowledge. We need to know things.
There were two trees in the garden of Eden: The tree of Life, and the tree of the KNOWLEDGE of good and evil. God said to not eat of that tree, because it would lead to death. So essentially, the choices were between life and death.
To me, that suggests that LIFE is more important than knowledge. But, Adam and Eve chose knowledge…and the rest is history. I’ve always wondered what would have happened if they had eaten from the Tree of Life first. Or how about this…why didn’t God just put ONE tree in the garden? Of course they went for the one God said NOT to eat from. I guess it’s the ultimate case of FOMO.
Anyway, going through this journey with Scott, I have pursued knowledge and understanding. I’ve tried to figure things out. I’ve tried to find solutions to fix things. Whether it was trying to find the right medication, trying to figure out what really happened to him, trying to sort out this tangled mess of our lives…
And you know what? It has been exhausting. Sure, I’ve learned a lot, but I still don’t feel like I KNOW all I need to know.
I’ve had to make peace with that. I’ve had to give up control. And that’s a hard thing to do.
But, I’ve also realized that I need to replace that lack of knowledge with something else that God has made available to me, and that is:
LIFE.
I don’t think there is any way possible for human beings to navigate this existence on earth, without some kind of Divine intervention. This is why mankind has always had some kind of religion. There is this inherent realization in every human being that we don’t have answers, and we can’t control everything. I think religion is a way for humans to try to understand this world. To understand why. Over the course of millenia, mankind has come up with all kinds of ways to be in control, to explain, to understand, etc. etc. To do good, to be good, to find peace, to explain evil, to cope with adversity, etc.
For me personally, I happen to believe the words of Jesus. He said that He was the way, the truth, and the LIFE. He said that he came to give us LIFE. He died to give us LIFE.
I do my best to try to pursue life over knowledge. It’s not easy, because life can be hard. Jesus said in this world, we would have tribulation. But, He said to be of good cheer, because He has overcome the world. I try to put my faith in His Words. Does it mean I have all of the answers? Nope. But, at least I can have some peace in the questions.
I’m still learning! The adventure is far from over.
Are you “trauma adjacent”? Or is someone “trauma adjacent” to you? How do you cope?
Trauma Adjacent. One more piece in my childhood puzzle has fallen into place. I knew it happened, but I never had a name for it that made sense to me. And now I do, thanks to you. Now I partially understand why I reacted and still react to my sister the way I do. This is God’s perfect timing that I read this today. I needed this piece to be able to think and pray about our current relationship and interaction. Keep writing, my friend. God is speaking to others through you.